It's the day before the start of the festive month - December, and I can't help but dread this festive season for some rhyme or reason. Hey, I'm not trying to take on the Grinch or Scrooge's role, but the dread that has been slowly building since October is slowly coming to the surface. Has it been a trying year? Well, yes, it has and boy has my mental health taken a hammering; but, I wouldn't say it's been a bad year.
Therefore, in order to combat this feeling of dread and need the to hide under my covers until January 01, I've taken some steps in the hopes it would get the Christmas cheer flowing through my veins. Firstly, I put up my lights and Christmas tree early this year (I was really hoping it would lighten this intense anguish I'm feeling). Secondly, I have watched pretty much every Christmas Romance Movie on Netflix. If there was ever anything that would get me smiling, it would be Christmas movies. But, here's the big problem - I'm waiting. Yup, I'm mentally preparing myself for the ever elusive shoe to drop. I know I should slap myself into line; but do you think I can pull myself free of this thought pattern - nope. So instead I'm hiding at home, conserving my energy and waiting for the messages and phone calls that will inevitably mean I'll be called to action again. The truth is I'm exhausted; if it's not one loved one I'm stressing about, it's another.
I know I'm up shits creek without a paddle when I start waking to check that my family is still breathing and alive. I awake from a dead sleep to roll over and check my husband is still breathing. I creep from room to room making sure my kids are breathing. Some nights I try to fight it, but the anxiety kicks in and off I go to make sure the people I love most are still alive. This has increased in frequency since August, and it's here to stay - for now.
Trust me when I tell you I have a hell of a lot to be grateful for; but, it seems this little bit of information seems to be bypassing my brain. I wonder if my brother would consider packing me in his bag when he heads off to Canada and the US for Christmas? I'd be able to check off some bucket list items, namely experiencing a white Christmas. There is something beautiful in the idea of snow and the silence it can bring. I'd stay in a log cabin somewhere drinking hot chocolate all day with a book at my side and a fire in front of me.
Isn't it strange how some people who live in tropical locations long for a snow based experience, while those who live with snow long for a beautiful sandy beach? Oh well, until I can check this off my bucket list I might continue to plod along, seeking out the things I have to be grateful for before holding them close to me. Like I said, there is a lot I have to be grateful for. I really just need to unclog the neural pathway that's blocked. Until next time, I really hope you all have a wonderful and safe Christmas.
Merry Christmas lovely people.