Today I thought I might talk about something deeply personal. Please don't take this as me whinging, as that isn't me. Today though, today is a rough day. My body hates me - literally. I'm lying on the couch as my stomach burns constantly and my body yells at me not to move. As I'm typing I can feel my stomach cramping, and my head hurts; yet there is no rest for the wicked. My body feels weighted, as thought I'm dragging bricks around my ankles, and my muscles just want to give up.
I have two beautiful babies, who I love with all my heart. I am grateful and thankful for them every day, even when we are arguing with each other. Yes, my 3 year old, 19 month old and I argue. All three of us are stubborn, independent and have short tempers, which makes for an interesting mix in our house.
Yet, on days like today I can't help feel as though I am a failure. My babies are playing happily, but I don't have the energy to join them. I am exhausted, and I know I look it, considering a lovely older lady pulled me aside in Woolworths to tell me I looked extremely tired. The honest truth is being a Mom with endometriosis is harder than I thought it would be.
As a single being you manage the pain, you manage the symptoms because, well, because there's only you to take care of. The second you become a mother it's no longer about you anymore. The fatigue and the pain are buried beneath the need to ensure your kids are fed and are happy. You walk through dizziness and battle through nausea, all the while praying for bed time, a time when you can lie down and just pass out until one of the kids wakes up. You get up in the middle of the night and push the feeling of your uterus being on fire and trying to escape aside, and you walk down the hall to comfort your baby and pat her back to sleep. I don't want to wake hubby, to ask him to get up again because I am once again in pain, and am yet again battling against my demon - endometriosis.
This doesn't stop, it's an endless cycle as twice a month I struggle past the flareups, I struggle to be the best Mom I can, whilst knowing I may never be like other Mom's who have boundless energy. I so desperately want to be the wonderful and perfect mother my babies deserve, but the pain and fatigue seems to act as a restraint holding me back some days. I am grateful that my husband is here though, as he seems to be able to pick up where I can't. It doesn't stop the feeling of failure though, and I doubt these feelings will ever stop. I guess that's what it means to love your family so very much.