Let me start off by apologising for being absent for so long. It has been quite a rough couple of weeks, between dramas and a house full of sick children. However, now that the worst has past I have finally been able to sit down and write.
I'll admit I have actually sat down once or twice, yet have hit a blank as I bring up my page. Finally, after taking some time to rest and re-centre myself, I latched on to something I felt might be cathartic not only for myself, but for those who may be in the same spot as I am.
There are times within our lives when something so profound happens it alters us to our very core. It is different and extremely personal for each of us, and can end up being our own personal hell; or it can be our salvation, our wake up call so to speak.
I'm on a mission this year, after spending the past three years filled with hopelessness and dread, to be not only mindful, but also more present within the moment. I am also aiming to be a whole lot more grateful for each moment I am gifted with. Now this isn't to say that I won't still feel those times of hopelessness and dread, it simply means that I now feel I have the tools to help me through these times. The tools to help me stop, breathe and start again.
In many ways my lead character and I have both experienced life changing events. Illness, whether it happens to you or a loved one, is a profound moments in ones life. This illness could be curable to an extent, or it might be something that will never be cured; either way it will have an effect of some kind on your life.
Now when the illness is not curable, well that can open a whole new world of pain for not only the person experiencing the illness, but those around the person. Those with control issues can suffer more than they necessarily need to, as their urge to resolve the situation, to ease the burden slowly drags them down to the darkest depths of disparity. It's important to know that these depths do have an escape, an exit if you will. It is up to each individual to take that first terrifying step, and then the next until you've reached that door.
Easier said that done right. Firstly you're scared of what's behind that door; secondly you're scared of the guilt and the anxiety of knowing that you are doing something for yourself, yet are unable to help the very person you feel compelled and responsible for. Now this is where all the mindfulness, being present in the moment and gratitude come in. These I have found are now my keys to coping and dealing with intensely emotional situations. Is there still an element of guilt, yeah sure there is, but I can live with this knowing that I am doing what is not only right for myself, but right for my husband and children.
It has taken me years to realise that I have my limits, and that pushing myself beyond these limits only burns me out. Being mindful of when I have reached my limit is still a work in progress, but it is a start. I have realised that me being mentally and emotionally drained in no way helps the people I love, if anything it only makes the situation ten times worse.
A light bulb moment presented itself the other week as sat reading a blog from a fellow author Carla (find her on carlasenora.com). Her conversation with 'Steve' though heavy, was in so many ways mind blowing for me. What I took from their conversation was that when we have a loved one who is ill, we spend so much time obsessing over the illness and its negative effects, that we forget to make small happy memories. We forget to stop and experience those moments that we can later pull out and smile at. Now your loved one may not be dying, they may be experiencing something completely different, but that doesn't mean that we shouldn't still take the time to make those happy memories. Thus being present in the moment, being grateful for the small joys life presents us with, or that we create.
I apologise if this is a heavy and dreary topic, but it seems to me that every time I turn around lately I find someone like myself experiencing something so profound it hurts just to breath sometimes. The key I have found is to just take a breath, no matter how shallow it is. Take a step, no matter how wobbly our legs are. It's stepping back, looking at the dramas around you then dealing with it when you are ready, when you are in the right frame of mind. It's seeking help from professionals, after all that is what they are there for. Find that professional you click with, LET them help you. Be the change you want, you're the only one who can make things happen for you. I hope this connects with someone, and that you are able to take away a light bulb moment of your own, just as I have experienced repeatedly over the past two months.
Please contact Lifeline on the link below, or any other organisation that will offer support if you are in the dark and need help finding your way out. Please note this is an Australian site.
https://www.lifeline.org.au/